Growing our capacity for compassionate leadership
What limits or blocks our compassion? And how can we remove these constraints to become more emotionally mature and courageous leaders?
This is a slightly edited version of a talk I recently gave online.
The model of our internal system of parts and a Core Self presented here, as well as the approach to inner work, are drawn from Internal Family Systems (IFS), a psychotherapy method developed by Richard C. Schwartz.
Qualities of a good leader
Think of the leader in your professional life with whom you have most enjoyed working and who has most helped you grow. Perhaps this was someone in a formal leadership role or a colleague with great leadership skills.
If no one comes to mind, just think of the kind of leader you wish you could have turned to when you faced difficult challenges in your job. What kind of leader do you feel comfortable opening up to and asking for help?
It is probably someone with whom you feel connected and safe. Someone who is compassionate and who cares about you. Someone who tries to understand you without judging you.
It is likely to be someone who maintains a calm presence in the face of challenge and provocation. Someone you can trust to respond in a mature and balanced way. Someone who is confident, creative, courageous, and clear, and who brings out the same qualities in you.
Access to the qualities of our Core Self
All of these wonderful leadership qualities that I've just mentioned are the qualities of the Core Self that exists in every one of us. Yes, we all have within us such a Core Self that is calm and present, compassionate and connected, curious, and creative, confident, courageous and clear.
But obviously there are times when we have little access to these leadership qualities, especially when we are stressed out or when the stakes are high. What is blocking or limiting our access to our Core Self at the very moments when we need these qualities most?
The short answer is that it is done by parts of us, parts which have good intentions and just want to keep us safe. They are parts of us that are still trying to protect us with the same methods that helped us survive difficult situations in the past, even though those methods may not be appropriate in the current context.
Learning to access the beautiful leadership qualities of our Core Self even in those moments, when protective parts of us are activated, requires some inner work. That is what I want to talk about today. But first I will explain, what those protective parts are and why they do what they do.
Multiple personalities — no bad parts
We are all multiple personalities: The human mind is a complex system made up of many parts. These parts are like inner beings, each with its own personality. They all have different roles, resources and ways of experiencing the world. In different situations, different parts of us are active and drive our behavior.
For example, you may have an affectionate part that's often active when you are with your partner, child or pet, whereas in a business meeting your analytical or problem-solving part is more likely to take over. There are no bad parts. All of our parts are naturally valuable and have good intentions.
However…
Exiles and protectors
When bad things happen to us, some of our good and valuable parts may be forced into roles that are harmful in the long run. When we have emotionally overwhelming experiences, especially in childhood when we are vulnerable, and when no one is there to help us in this situation, the following may happen:
A part of us that has been hurt and is burdened with intense, painful feelings gets pushed out of our consciousness and locked away somewhere. This part becomes an exile.
And other parts take on new roles, trying to protect us from the painful feelings of the exile or trying to protect the exile from being hurt even more. So these parts become protectors.
Example: how parts take on new roles
Here's an example: Suppose there is a child who is being verbally or physically abused by his parent when he doesn't do what the parent wants. It is normal for a child to cry in such a situation. But when this child shows his emotional distress his parent freaks out even more.
Now the part of the child that feels the terrible pain of the attachment injury is exiled from consciousness, so that the child can maintain the bond with his parent, which is essential for his survival. Another part that feels healthy anger toward the aggressor may also be exiled because it's not safe for the child to be angry in this relationship.
A whole set of other parts will take on protective roles: One part of the child becomes a poker face, hiding his emotions behind a stoic mask so as not to provoke the parent. Another part becomes hypervigilant, constantly monitoring the mood of the people around him. And a third part becomes a harsh inner critic trying to make the child behave so that bad things won't happen ever again.
The child grows up. He is now 40 years old and a senior manager in a multinational corporation. But his poker face, his hypervigilant part and his inner critic are still protecting him in the same way they did when he was 5 years old because they are stuck in the past. They still believe they are protecting a small child who's living with a violent parent.
We all have at least a few exiles and a whole lot of protectors, because in this society it is almost impossible to grow up without any experiences that are painful, shaming or frightening.
Proactive protectors: managers
Some of our protectors are proactive and some are reactive. The proactive ones are the managers. They try to keep everything under control and organize our lives so that the exiled parts don't get triggered and their painful feelings don't come to the surface.
Let's say you have an exile who is burdened with shame and believes that it is worthless, incapable or unlovable. Then some of your managers may try to protect you from these feelings by:
- Overthinking and worrying.
- Being very achievement-oriented, striving and overworking.
- Being a perfectionist or a micromanager.
Perhaps one of your managers is very intellectual and emotionally detached, while another one seeks the limelight, trying to impress others. And a third one may be a people pleaser, unable to say no, trying not to alienate anyone.
Reactive protectors: firefighters
Despite all the hard work of our managers, every now and then one of our exiles is triggered by things that happen in our lives and painful feelings burst into our consciousness. Then our firefighters spring into action. They are the reactive protectors whose only goal is to douse the flames of emotion, regardless of the damage they cause.
Some of them use distractions, scrolling through social media or playing computer games. Some self-soothe with food, sex, alcohol, or other substances. Some give us sudden fatigue, mental blackouts, or headaches to protect us from unpleasant feelings. Some avoid and withdraw; others react aggressively to perceived slights because anger feels much better than hurt or shame.
Our managers often hate our firefighters. So our firefighters are true heroes: First they save us from acute pain and then they take the blame.
When our parts lead
Our protectors work hard for us. When they are doing a good job, we may not even be aware that somewhere in our internal system there are hidden exiles carrying pain.
The more exiles there are, the more likely it is that there will be conflicts between protectors working against each other with opposing strategies. Polarizations develop between protectors, with both sides becoming more and more extreme in their attempts to counter the actions of the other side.
And the more exiles there are, the more likely our protectors are to show up in our interactions with other people, making us perhaps a little rigid when one of our managers is in charge, or making us overreact when a firefighter is triggered.
Hard-working protectors tend to take over our consciousness. When they are active, we identify with them and we see the world through their eyes. Theirs is a dangerous world in which we constantly need to be protected from emotional pain that our protectors believe we cannot handle.
And that is when we lose access to the beautiful leadership qualities of the Core Self, which is capable of calm, compassionate connection and so much more. When our protectors take over it is like clouds blocking out the sun. The sun of our Core Self is still shining, but it is obscured by the clouds.
Building trust in the Core Self
How can we help the clouds become smaller and make more space for the sun to shine through? How can we help our protectors trust our Core Self more and allow it to take the lead? Our Core Self, which is actually wise and cannot be overwhelmed by any emotional pain?
Well, trust can grow when there is a good relationship. We need to build a relationship between our Core Self and each of our protectors.
Our hardest working protectors may not even be aware that there is a Core Self within us that can handle things. But when we shine the warm and loving light of our Core Self on our protectors, they will become aware of this inner resource and soften.
Self-Leadership on the outside
When our protectors are willing to make space for our Core Self to be the leader in the internal system, we have Self-Leadership, which is leadership by the Core Self.
Here is what Self-Leadership looks like on the outside:
- We respond to challenges and provocations in a mature and balanced way.
- We foster authentic connection and psychological safety in our relationships.
- We focus on what really matters without getting distracted.
- We have full access to our creativity and wisdom.
- We speak with clarity, confidence and courage.
- We remain calm, curious and compassionate, even under pressure.
Self-Leadership on the inside
And here is what Self-Leadership looks like on the inside:
We know what it feels like when our Core Self is in the lead. We are very familiar with the somatic experience of being in that calm and open-hearted state. And because this state is so familiar, we notice when a part takes over and we suddenly feel different: anxious, angry, tense, distracted, sad, lonely or whatever that part is feeling and experiencing.
As soon as we become aware that this is a part of us and not all of us, we can create a little distance between our Self and the part. We can disidentify from it, not to push it away, but so we can be in a relationship with it.
We can turn toward the part and communicate with it – quietly, inside. We can say to our part something like: "I can feel you. You're really upset, aren't you? What do you need from me right now? Is there something you want me to know?" And then we listen.
Or we can say to it: "I feel your anger and I promise to listen to you later. Are you willing to give me some space right now and let me handle this?"
The "I" and "me" speaking here is the Core Self relating to the part. It is the Core Self that is aware of the part but is not a part.
Learning to relate to our parts in this way requires some inner work. We need to practice:
- noticing our parts,
- disidentifying from them when they have taken over, and
- listening to them with compassion.
But when there are many exiles in our inneren system, whose wounds have not yet been healed, and our protectors are hyperactive, even just noticing our parts can be very difficult.
Self-Leadership Coaching
This is where Self-Leadership Coaching can help and that's what I do with my clients:
I guide them to go inside and work with the parts that tend to get activated in professional situations. I help them access the qualities of their Core Self and build trust between the Core Self and the protectors.
We find out from the protectors what they are protecting, which points us to the exiles who need to be healed. Once the protectors trust the Core Self enough to give their permission – which usually requires some negotiation – we can go to an exile and help it.
It is the connection with the client's Core Self that heals the exile. The exile needs to show the Core Self how it has suffered and it needs to be witnessed with compassion.
So I help my clients establish and maintain this compassionate connection. And I guide them through a number of healing steps until the exile is ready to let go of the extreme beliefs and emotions it has been carrying and shift back to its naturally valuable state.
When this is accomplished, the protectors can change their roles. They can do something else or just relax because that level of protection is no longer needed.
But even before the first exile is healed, any relationship we build with one of our protectors will make it a little easier to access the beautiful leadership qualities of our Core Self. As we befriend our protectors they become more willing to make space for the Core Self and let it lead, like clouds parting to let the sun shine through.
Inner work to strengthen your Self-Leadership
Self-Leadership is contagious. When our protectors let our Core Self lead, the people around us feel safer and their protectors relax, allowing them to access more of their Core Self as well.
So I want to encourage all of you to do your inner work to strengthen your Self-Leadership, because it will not only make you feel so much better inside, but it will also have a huge impact on the people you work with, making it safer for them as well to be courageous and vulnerable in order to grow.
To strengthen your Self-Leadership practice:
- noticing your parts,
- disidentifying from them, and
- relating to them with curiosity and compassion, especially to those who are in pain and need help.
Every time you feel emotional, tense or uncomfortable, that's a part of you that has been activated by something and needs your attention.